Fourth of July Facts!
Advertising
Right Fit advertisement
This was an advertisement I did for Right Fit, a casting company specializing in different kinds of…boys. Yeah, I know. Listen, we all have to make a living and the early 90s were pretty hard on me, so I might have taken a job or two that didn’t exactly seem okay.
Dr. Devlin Dean Devlin’s Patented Arm Removal Service
This is an ad I did for a a limb removal service specializing in arms. It was a big fad in the early 90s to have your arms cut off by a licensed limberjack. We all have that crazy aunt who has no arms and insists her life was way better as a result of having them voluntarily amputated. But we all know who can’t feed herself or, you know…during Thanksgiving dinner.
LotsaKnives Ad
I did this ad for a company called SliceWorks, Inc. to market their version of the iconic Swiss Army Knife. I can attest that it did not work as advertised and only included four knives, one of which was actually a teaspoon. To boot, the “stylish” carrying case was really just a secondhand American Tourister bag.
See You All In Hell
This is a simple t-shirt design based on the courageousness of one little boy riding shotgun on a roller coaster at Elitch Gardens in Denver, Colorado.
Biz-Casz-Con Ad
This is one of my first ads. The client was some holding company for a business casual clothing conference. What blows my mind is that at the time there were at least six other similar conferences in North America. I did nearly identical ads for “Biz-Casz-Con-Can,” “Expo Casz,” and “HagarCon.”
Blind Billy’s Discount Blinds and Window Treatments
This is an ad I did for Blind Billy’s Discount Blinds and Window Treatments. I kept my mouth shut on this one and cashed my check. By all accounts his store was pretty successful and wound up basically being a really cheap Kohl’s.
Lycra Bustier Handbags, Footwear, and Cats, Unlimited LC.
Thanks to Web 2.0 and other hmtls, I am finally able to embark on three dreams I’d heretofore found unattainable due to total lack of all requisite skills.
Keep an eye out for my upcoming line of designer handbags:
Comfortable and affordable footwear for any season or occasion:
And brand new cat breeds that will jumpstart your YouTube careers and more:
Daniel Valenswine’s Holiday Pig Farm
This is an ad I did for DV Pigs, Inc., a hog concern in Iowa that formerly sold piglets to men desperately searching fro the perfect Valentine’s Day gift. The operation was shut down by the USDA after it was discovered the piglets being sold were actually hairless French bulldogs riddled with contagious skin parasites.
Dylan #2
This is the second thing I’ve done for this cult. It’s presumably a warning to its adherents to get a cleansing with No More Tears shampoo. I charged double since I’m effectively doing ad work for two products.
Matthew C. Mariner 